Wednesday, November 18, 2009

One Year Part 3

My blog has turned into a journal that I would like to make into a book for the babies. With that being said I wasn't sure I want to tell this part of our story or let others know about it but it was an important part of our journey. Everything we have gone through has made me appreciate life so much more and this was a key part of that.

On this day last year we went to the fertility specialist to get our first ultrasound. I will never forget being on the table and the doctor counting 1, 2, 3 babies. Although I was relieved that he didn't continue to count I remember sitting up and feeling a gloom come over the room. The doctor turned serious and started throwing out words like prematurity, mental retardation, cerebral palsy, selective reduction, hospitalization, etc. This is when he explained that we had a 50/50 chance of having 3 healthy babies or having 3 babies with life long problems. In the first trimester we were told we had an 80% chance of something going wrong. He told us stories of people that unfortunately had 3 unhealthy babies or lost all three babies. Although the stories were horrifying I later appreciated the stories because it made me a little more cautious in my pregnancy. From the time the doctor counted until I got out of the office into the car I did not say one word and for anyone that knows me you know that is no small task for me to keep my mouth shut. When we got to the car Steven and I were both in shock and Steven said "well are you going to say anything", I immediately started to cry and the only thing I could say was "what are we going to do"! I think I cried half way home. I was thrilled to be pregnant but now I was worried that we would have three unhealthy babies that we would care for the rest of our lives. Then the thought of how are we going to support three babies, our house is too small, our car is too small, daycare, diapers, college tuition times three what will we do. We have been very blessed through our pregnancy and I am comforted that we will continue to be blessed as our children grow.

The next day I remember having a major panic attack, I was crying hysterically and had to call the doctors office because I was worried I would have a miscarriage because I was so upset and I couldn't talk to anyone about it because I couldn't tell anyone I was pregnant with three babies. When I got the nurse on the phone I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. Looking back now I think I was totally ridiculous but I had a lot of hormones raging through my body that I was not able to control it. The nurse asked "is this about what you found out yesterday" I thought no I just wanted to call and say hi, uh yeah I was freaking out just a little please calm me down! The next day I was still going to the doctor every other day and they barely let me sign in before they called me back to see the doctor. Steven thought I should call every day before I have an appointment so I can get in quicker but I think they didn't want me freaking out their other patients! After this we began seeing high risk doctors and getting ultrasounds every two weeks to check the babies. Looking at my three healthy, beautiful babies now I am so grateful that God has blessed us so much and remembering this day is very emotional for me because I know it could have turned out totally different. I am also thankful that Steven and I had our freak out moments at different times. Steven had his panic attack when we brought home Addison and Bryce and this is obviously when I had my panic attack. I love Steven even more for putting up with me through that time. There were times in the pregnancy that I think he thought it was going to be a long 9 months but we survived and I love him and our three babies very much!

1 comment:

Alicia said...

i love you guys and i'm glad we have three healthy additions to our big wonderful family...and to be honest i think a "freak out" when you get news like that is ok!!! and you did handle yourself well!! thanks for sharing this with us...i love hearing about your pregnancy!!!